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 LIFE CHANGES

I like to picket people.  I think that when a group a people gather in front of someone's house to picket them it probably makes that person feel "special".  I mean, all those people gathering just for me.  That "special" feeling will really help them see how wrong they are.

This should lead to, what I like to call, the serious-deep though" phase.  This is when they think about all the changes they should make in their lives.

A lot of the Picketing Scientists have debated when the "serious-deep thought" phase really begins in a person's mind.  Personally, I think it begins when we "picketers" put our signs down and we start throwing rocks.

PRICE: $45

THE ENCOUNTER

"Top of the day!" I said to the old stranger.  Wow, was that really me talking?  Being a "polite person" was new for me.  In fact... I have quite the reputation of being the opposite of polite, especially after drinking two glasses of hot dogs through a crazy straw.  I have always been one to order things that aren't on the menu.  I guess it's a combination of these "quirks" that earned me the cute nickname: "Strange-Ordering-Mister-Not-So-Polite."  I also carry a stick wherever I go, but I only use it for pointing purposes.  I don't really consider this a "quirk".  Sometimes I test my strength by holding the stick over my head.  My record is fifty-eight seconds.  However, I usually quit from distraction and not fatigue.

By the time all this went through my head the old stranger had left.  I think he was a better person after our encounter.

PRICE: $35

MR. FEMP

Mr. Femp was a man.  He was a big, burly man with a keen sense of rhythm.  Do you work out Mr. Femp?  "Yes, I work out," he said revealing a smile that looked like a big, upside down rake, "if you call doing what you love working out."

Anyway, Mr. Femp loved to rake.  Sometimes he would rake all day long.  He was a proud raking-man.

One day a couple of us bet Mr. Femp that he couldn't rake every yard on our block in seventeen minutes.  Mr. Femp started raking and raking.  He raked like a champion with a powerful, yet rhythmic raking motion (much like that of a of super-rake athlete).  Although he only finished one yard, I think "fate" held a different sort of victory for Mr. Femp.  I think that was the victory that the one yard he did finish was mine...

We never saw Mr. Femp after that day.  Except for the time we saw him tightening the chain on his street legal go-ped.

PRICE: $75 (FIRST ESSAY) – SOLD

FAT NICKNAMES THAT DON’T MEAN FAT

 My nickname is "Tubby"... I got the nickname in high school.  Most of the kids took a quick shower after gym class.  I always preferred soaking in a hot bubble bath.  It usually made me late for mechanical drawing class.  However, I found that, after the bath, I was much more relaxed with my drawing and NOT so "mechanical"...  That was the year I got a "D" minus in mechanical drawing and a pretty bad case of

"athletes bottom" from the those baths.

Dad called me "Stocky"... Some say I am "overprotective" of my feet.  Others say I have "precious feet".  My favorite saying is: "stand proudly on clean feet".  Anyway, I’m sure I got the nickname from the way I liked to wear my sandals without a nice, think pair of tube socks.  My other nickname was "Ball-dropping-wet-mitten boy"... That was because I wore tube socks on my hands when we played softball.

Hello F.A.T. People:

Have you been offended by the above salutation?  Well you shouldn't be... because to us, F.A.T. stands for Fat And Tubby.  Well, come to think of it, you should be offended.

P.S. As people of integrity, we admit that the above salutation was a mistake and want to make it right.  However, our legal counsel has informed us that we cannot issue an apology unless we receive a formal, written complaint.  Please read below for instructions on how to file a formal, written complaint concerning this "highly offensive" salutation.

P.P.S. Please forward all COMPLAINTS to our secretary (Mrs. Kathy Perky) at kat@marklowry.com.  She will then process the complaint, re-type them on nice stationary, get final approval from our attorney, and send them to our manager (who will then respond with a sincere letter of apology on our behalf).  This process will take approximately 4-6 weeks.  Until then, we are NOT sorry although we may be at a later date.  Thank you for your patience.

PRICE: $55 – REMOVED PENDING MARK LOWRY LEGAL ACTION

MY FAVORITE SEA ANIMAL

I would have to say a monkey (and I don’t mean a sea monkey, cause that would be silly!). I am talking about a monkey that is well educated with underwater breathing equipment, possibly SCUBA certified. It would also have the ability to change into another sea animal like a cow (and I don’t mean sea cow). This would give you the option of having four legs.

Price: $28

Got a good one? Send it to me! Bobby Sweezy