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WHERE IS MY BEST FRIEND?

 Where is my best friend?  That special someone who listens to all my problems and gives me advice about my oily skin.  That super-special someone whom I complain to for hours on weekend nights and holidays.  That really-neat someone who never gets embarrassed by my panic attacks or the way I like to "sing" my order at sit-down restaurants.  I would like to thank you, best friend, for reminding me to take my medications and for seeing beyond my so-called "co-dependence".  Where are you, best friend?  And why did you take that lower paying job as an out-of-town salesman?

To make a friend, you must first be a friend.  And it doesn't hurt to have an extra ski doo...

PRICE: $25

PATHWAY TO SUCCESS

 Everyone these days seems to be talking about maps.  My question is: are maps really that great?  Sure, it was a map that helped me find the juvenile detention center.  But can that map pay the $10,000 bail to free my friend Jimbo?  The answer seems pretty obvious, but I guess it can't hurt to ask.  After I asked, I got a real "dumb" feeling deep down inside.  Man, I guess it DOES hurt to ask!

Anyhow, a few minutes later I got in to see Jimbo.  Here's how our conversation went:

Me -- Jimbo, do you have the "road-map" to a better life?

Jimbo -- You mean to break out of this joint?

Me -- No, I’m using that as a metaphor…

Jimbo -- Ssshhh, I’m not allowed to have any drugs.  Unless I attack my visitor or something like that...

Me -- I said "metaphor".  Did you think I said “morphine”...

Jimbo -- get out of my face.  Here comes the nurse.  (Then Jimbo punched me in the nose and the nurse gave him a big shot of morphine.)

I’ll be back to visit Jimbo next week.  Until then, it's back to work to pay off that last bail bond.  I love my job at AAA.

PRICE: $18

OLD SKOOL MATHMATICS

 I'm a man of peace, not prone to fits of violence or shooting people.  My non-violence can be traced back to the way I was taught math.  today's math is taught with complex "equations" and confusing "word problems".  These "new" methods cause the frustration and inner turmoil that lead to acts such as pencil breaking and/or the construction of nuclear devices.  I say go back to the simple, yet effective recipe of 1/3 addition, 1/3 subtraction, 1/3 multiplication, and 1/3 division.  It worked with me.  Basic all-American math.  I use it each and every day in my hobbies of street fighting, hunting, and demolition derby.

PRICE: $18

STOP LOOKING AT ME

"stop looking at me!"  I screamed at the top of my lungs.  "stop staring with that staring look..."  I screamed again (but this time not at the top of my lungs).  I am just an ordinary man.  I am "normal".  NO one should be put under this type of scrutiny!  The "looks" and the "gazes" are driving me crazy... "please, I beg you... can't you all just leave me alone!"

despite my cries for them to stop, each person continued to follow me mercilessly with their eyes.  I dropped my notes, leaped off the stage, stormed out of the room, and slammed the door.  I think that will "teach" them...  if this is what "speech class" is all about... then I want NO part of it!

PRICE: $35

MY NEW JOB

It was a typical day at the Tropical Plant Plant.  No pushing and shoving to get the "best" plants (which does happen sometimes though it is far from the norm).  People at a Plant Plant seem to have a good sense of when enough is enough (if you know what I mean).  They carry themselves with a bit of the "pride" that so many people today are talking about. 

How do I know so much about the Topical Plant Plant?  Well, I don't actually work there anymore, but my friend Jimmy does.  Jimmy almost never gets reprimanded during the entire work day. 

I, on the other hand, was "laid off".  Maybe it was because of my aggressive trimming policy or maybe because of my unconventional views on watering.  I guess you can tell that I will always be passionate about the artificial plant sciences.  But for now I will be working at the Foot Locker.

PRICE: $40

ERNIE

 "Stop digging in the yard, Ernie!"  It made me so mad when he didn't listen.  I knew he could hear me.  "Put that shovel down!"  I yelled again, but this time my yell turned into a giggle. How could I be angry with that little guy?  It was so cute to watch him struggle with the sharp, rusty tool.  It reminded me of the time he grabbed our sharp, rusty Lawn Jarts and ran around with them in his mouth.

I guess I better go stop him before he gets hurt.  But it's not going to be easy.  Ernie may be my "little" brother, but his determination is not "little".  He will just keep on digging until he finds where we buried our beloved pet.  Yes, one of these days he will find Ernie's remains.  And that will probably be the same day he finds out there is no "Dead Dog Fairy" and that no "wishes" will be granted when you dig up a dead dog that had the same name as you.

PRICE: $35

QUALITY FRIEND TEST

The best way to tell if you are a "quality friend" is to take our easy little "quality friend" test.  Most of the answers on the test will require a simple "yes" or "no" response.  In some cases you may be required to respond with more than a "yes" or "no" response.  For example, if the question is, "DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A QUALITY FRIEND?" you can simply answer this question with a "yes" or "no".  If, however, the question is, "WHY DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A QUALITY FRIEND?" you should provide more than a "yes" or "no". We will not penalize you for giving a "yes" or "no" response to the previous question, but we will probably giggle because that is a silly answer.

Now, on to the test…  You may BEGIN!

QUESTION:
DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A QUALITY FRIEND?

_Yes
_No

Thank you very much for taking the time to participate in this test.  We will post YOUR RESULTS in a couple of weeks after your test answer is graded.

PRICE: $45 – SOLD

Warning: Today's essay is controversial...

THE MENACE

 Violence is all around us.  Most look for the "easy" answers.  I try to find the "root" cause.  I think the "root" cause for all violence is the MEDIA.  If you disagree, please consider the following facts:

FACT 1: There is a disturbing new "fad" in Hollywood... called the "prequel".

FACT 2: A "prequel" makes us think "backwards" in time.

FACT 3: This is NOT NATURAL!

FACT 4: This type of thinking does SERIOUS DAMAGE to the human mind... just read the following:
----------
Bob's REVIEW of The Phantom Menace

 -- I entered the film already dazed and confused from the $15 dollars I spent on movie "snacks"... Then I sat down in my seat ready for the ride of my life.  First, I discovered that Luke Skywalker was not always considered the best and fastest in his class.  He was sometimes referred to as the "special" boy.  I think it had to do with his consuming desire to do "yoga".  He liked a girl named Precious Lena.  Luke told her how he felt by passing her a "note" in class that said: "I think you have pretty hair!"  She didn't want to break up with her boyfriend named Hand, because they had so much fun singing duets together (or he would have to sing Solo).  Lena had a dog named Chubby or maybe that was her friend’s dog.

Are you still with me?  Good!!

Now jump backwards some years and HERE WE GO... "The Phantom Menace"...  I think even those of you who haven't yet "caught" the hype are NOW starting to feel hysteria growing inside.  Will Vader have a "death match" with Newman?  Will Buck Rogers tackle the Mighty Mothra?  And most importantly, will Episode 2 be:

A) the sequel to the prequel

B) the 2nd in a series of 3 prequels

C) the middle 1/3 of the beginning 1/2 of the whole thing???

--movie review by bob
----------

FACT 5: What were we talking about?  Oh, "violence"...

A wise old man once said that the word "MEDIA" begins with the word "ME"... and that each person should take RESPONSIBILITY for their actions.  I bet that old man was on the Lucas payroll.  Come-on, we all know who's REALLY to blame. "THEY" made me squirt the ketchup in my little brother's eye...  And it is "THEY" who are the real "Menace"...

PRICE: $60

BRRRRRRR

The water was ice cold.  I slowly took off my shoes and socks.  I can't believe I'm going to do this!  The cold air that blew from the air conditioning vent brought a chill over my whole body.  I dipped my big toe into the water.  Man it was freezing.  It seemed as though every one in the room was watching.  The shocking cold threw me back.  I landed flat on the floor.  My face was flush.  My body bruised. "Take this water back" I said to the waiter, "and bring me a cup of coffee."

PRICE: $18

Got a good one? Send it to me! Bobby Sweezy

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